I felt a twang of guilt not too long ago - my grandmother asked about my friend A. and wondered where she had gone. We had been very close friends for a long time and since my mother passed away - my grandmother has displayed an extraordinary amount of affection and interest in my friends. Unfortunately, I don't speak to A. anymore.
A. and I had gone to the same grade school and lived in the same town our entire lives but didn't become friends until we were in college. My only clear memory of her in grade school was her dragging some poor boy in my class across the playground after she declared him her boyfriend. I saw her on campus at the local community college and later she got a job at the same small pharmacy I was employed at. We were not likely friends. She seemed so different than me. She didn't care what people thought of her, she did everything her own way and she seemed to have everything together. She was going to school to become a teacher and had a long-term steady boyfriend. She had a flame of red hair that seemed to match her personality and "spunky" seems to be the best word for what I thought she was like. We became fast friends but I never felt close to her. I wasn't 21 at the time so I was often blown off for her other friends who were older. Sometimes she hung out with my friend S. and me with our group of friends - but she kept to herself and didn't have a great time when she was "out of her element". She often said that she didn't like my friends. She broke up with the long-term boyfriend she had because he cheated on her and she and a girl that was her "best friend" spent the summer in the Hamptons. I felt like a child during that time and it seemed like all my friends had plans except for me. A. also let me in on a little tidbit that ate at my insecurities - HER best friend didn't like me.
Oddly enough, she met a guy in the Hamptons who was vaguely connected to my social circle. He had dated a friend of a friend in my social circle and we had been friendly - so when she brought him around I was all ready chummy with him. We soon became our own little social group - A. and her new boyfriend, (we'll call him Sven for now and sadly this little made up name is not as ridiculous as his real name) Sven, A.'s best friend - Rachel (Rachel - the anorexic model who nevel seemed to get work - Rachel who hated me) and some of Sven's friends. After Sven and A. dated for a while they allowed me to tag along a lot more and I gladly did. They dragged me out to the Hampton's one weekend to try ecstasy and it wound up being the glue that kept us all together - we partied and hung out all the time. My mother was working nights at the time and my grandmother had temporarily moved back to Taiwan - so the house was free from parental interference at the time. A. and her boyfriend would come over all the time and spend the night at my house - at first I was flattered and thought that they just enjoyed my company...but I think I quickly realized that my house was just a place to fool around in without anyone bothering them. The relationship between Sven and A. deteriorated quickly - though they went out for a year and a half - the end came fairly quickly. A. told me he was abusive and he threw a mug at her - she added that she wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior and dumped him.
What was odd was during that time period - A. started to go a little crazy. She dated a series of total jerks including a bisexual cokehead who wanted to include her in his habits. Rachel (whom this entire time I was told hated me) approached me and told me she had had enough of A. and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out with her. My loyalty laid with A. though and I brushed Rachel aside. I think in my mind I thought that I would finally be the "best friend" - I hadn't realized what this title entailed with this particular friend.
The Fugees came together for a concert organized by Dave Chappelle in Ft Greene this past weekend. I am blown away by the news. I was a fan of the Fugees when The Score was released back in 1996 and my very first music industry job was at a company that worked with them. I got to know each one and the cast of characters that traveled with them pretty well. The rumors are only that they are "talking" and haven't made concrete future plans - but that's a start.
So I have started a whole new trimester at school studying massage....and this semester I start with my Swedish technique courses. I was really excited about taking this particular course because I will, most likely, using these techniques most often in my future practices out in the real world as a massage therapist. What I hadn't realized is that I would have to get naked in class. You see ....we are trying to learn techniques that require skin to skin contact and learn proper draping techniques so that we aren't embarrassing our future clients. While I have absorbed this logical explanation...I am still slightly mortified. I am sometimes retardedly modest...like in situations like this. Now I know I'm not just naked - I get changed behind a screen then I move to my table with my towel on and get under the draping which covers me to keep me warm. But there are also about 20 other people in the class - and I have a habit of doing really embarrassing things....and one wrong move by my partner means exposure!
I'm sure it will be fine - it just doesn't comfort me when the professor says something like "you have to throw modesty out the window here"
Just so everyone knows - those who read this blog that know me and even those that don't - I am having a mini-nervous breakdown. I've been avoiding every human being I know and yet I am bored and lonely at home. I am annoyed by my boyfriend not being able to read my mind and quite annoyed by him assuming I can read his. I've been behind on paying my bills and not motivated to do a whole lot at all ...over all I've been what some call depressed. I just feel like I'm behind on everything. I have no idea what is bringing this on - I have been feeling very overwhelmed by everything. Normally I remedy this all with some retail therapy - but I have no money which is making me even more crazy and frustrated. I am annoyed by the fact that I haven't managed my time well for school, that I can't find the time to post when I'd like to and then when I finally do get to the computer to post...my mind goes completely blank. Last night I told my boyfriend how I was feeling and then wishing out loud that everything was just....easy. He, of course, said something like "life isn't supposed to be easy" and I wanted to punch him. Then I felt guilty about wanting to punch him because he was just trying to make me feel better. Then I got all weepy because I'm PMS'ing and I thought about how much I love him and it got me all emotional.
My grandmother has been having really high blood pressure lately and our whole lives have been kind of revolving around that lately. It's strange because it's really been under control for a while by her medications and suddenly it's just been skyrocketing in the morning and seems to get under control in the afternoon only to continue on the cycle the next day. I guess my grandmother blames this on not having access to a herbal medication from Taiwan that she used to take all the time so she broke down and called my uncle in Taiwan.
My grandmother had five children - my mother was the oldest, then she had three sons and finally my aunt was the youngest. My grandmother has lived with me and my mother practically my whole life except for a few years when I was in high school when my grandmother moved back to Taiwan to help my uncles with their children. But my grandmother returned to the US because she disliked living with my uncles - mainly because she disliked their wives. My mother was the black sheep of the family - she didn't keep in contact with any of brothers though she used to say that they didn't keep in touch with her.
I guess my grandmother spoke to my oldest uncles wife and asked if they could send over whatever this herbal medication. But then my uncle called back and wanted to speak to my grandmother - unfortunately my grandmother is really hard of hearing and even with her hearing aid in she couldn't understand my uncle. My grandmother passed me the phone and I spoke briefly to my uncle in English - it was surreal. The last time I spoke to my uncle I was a child - I almost started to cry just speaking to him but I tried to contain myself so I didn't freak him out. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and if I was going to get married soon - which I tried to answer in the most vague way as possible but somehow gave him a specific time period that I may be getting married.
I don't know how I feel - it's strange. Luckily I am totally PMSing so I am a mess.
