i'm lost in translation

Embracing my Chinese-ness

All my life my mother lectured me about not knowing Chinese. She would tell me on a daily basis "You need to learn Chinese! You spoke so well when you were little. Are you ashamed [of being Chinese]?" I would simply shake my head and smile and try to avoid the topic as much as possible. I would insist that I wasn't ashamed but I just wasn't good with languages and I had lost the Chinese during the time when my parents were separated (I lived with Dad - the American) . Of course she yelled at me for being too "American" and not being a proper Chinese girl. But I was a good student so my mother didn't harass me too often. I was too busy trying to find my fit in the world. This somehow meant that I couldn't learn Chinese. "How will you speak to your grandmother?" my mother would ask me. And I would usually answer in some smart ass way "Well, that's what you are for."

I lost my translator in April 2002. And now I do regret not learning Chinese. When my mother passed away, I was left with the responsibility of taking care of my 80-something year old grandmother, who can't really speak English. I have to say she does try and has a decent vocabulary. I have only a couple of Chinese phrases that I occasionally throw out to help me explain concepts and situations - but I am still far from being able to communicate well with my grandmother. One of the only things I did have going for me was a gaggle of Taiwanese students that went to the local college who had rented rooms from my mother. When my mom passed away, they were there for my grandmother. I will never be able to repay those students - they were the best friends I had at the time and I didn't even realize it. But they all eventually finished school and had to return home to Taiwan. And soon, my grandmother grew to be very depressed and lonely. So, what do you do when you can't speak to the person you are taking care of, don't live that close to a Chinese community and have no ties to anyone in your culture. You google your heart out.

When my mother was sick, I found a listing for the Chinese-American Cancer Society who had volunteers from a Buddhist charity called the Tzu-Chi visit my mother and grandmother. It was the first time I had seen my grandmother smile the entire time my mother was bedridden by her cancer. A wonderful woman from the charity helped me organize my mother's funeral so it was a proper Buddhist funeral and called my grandmother frequently. I sold the house my mother owned and bought a smaller one close to it because my grandmother didn't want to be too far from the area. A decision I still wish I fought against harder since we have no other ties to the area. But it still wasn't enough, when I went out to work my grandmother would walk around the neighborhood looking for other Chinese people to talk to (she eventually found an Asian person and left a note on their door- unfortunately, they were Korean). I found that the Visiting Nurse Service had an Asian speaking program, but they didn't have any for my area. I found through a Chinese speaking psychologist (grandma did NOT enjoy her one day of therapy) a day care program for Asian speakers on Long Island at the Parker Jewish Institute . Grandma finally found something she enjoyed and somewhere that helped her loneliness and depression.

Now ....It's a little better. I am taking Chinese lessons on Sunday mornings. And while I try and maintain being a hip, nearing thirty female thang....I will learn Chinese, I will embrace Hello Kitty, I will not suppress the "too cute" way Asians say "bye bye" when I leave a room, and I will try and learn about my culture...in my own way.

posted by Jin @ 4:09 PM